If you try hard enough to be something you aren't, you become that very thing...hopefully.

So, I like to think of myself as an ambivert. Not 100% introvert, but not 100% extrovert either. More like a healthy medium...depending on the day. Sometimes I like to be by myself and other times I can be the life of the party if I want to. Most days, one greatly outweighs the other and that's usually based on my mood. If I feel like I want to be a loner and do my own thing, with me, myself and I, and just don't want to socialize with other people at all (that was definitely a run-on), the intro to extro scale is a good 75/25. There aren't really days where I just want to completely be social and extremely extroverted, but I can get the scale to a good 50/50 sometimes.

Anyway, I said all of that to say that I am an observer. I observe things. It's what I do. I hate to be in the spotlight, I'd much rather be in the background if I can and avoid being the center of attention as much as possible. I pride myself on my keen observational skills. Especially when I'm in a place where I don't feel like I belong, or maybe even in a place I do belong, but I don't know anyone in the room. I am most comfortable standing in the corner of a room and people-watching. I watch their posture, their gestures, what phrases they use the most, how they talk to people, how they respond, who speaks when, and I try to figure out the hierarchy in the room.

 I understand that this blog is supposed to describe a specific anecdote of a time where I had to mushfake and it turned into the real deal, but for me, I kinda feel like "fake it 'til you make it" has become my life's motto. Like for everyday things. When I was a child, and growing up, I was I guess what you could call shy. Okay, not shy, but quiet. Quiet is what I was. 'Til this day I get told that I'm "too quiet." Anyway, I never liked to talk in groups, I hated being called out (still do), and I hated having to socialize with people that I wasn't friends with. I wasn't quiet because I was necessarily scared to speak (although stage fright was a huge deal back then), but it was more so of the fact that I didn't have anything to say. At least nothing of substance, I really don't like small talk.

I realized though, when I was in high school that I was going to have to step out of my shell a bit when I got to college if I ever wanted to meet people, and make friends. That revelation is what sparked my mushfaking years. I've always been described as outgoing by others (I wasn't an outcast, guys, I had friends and stuff, I promise), but I had never really been able to see it in myself. I just always felt like an introvert. Like a complete introvert. When I got to college though, I told myself, "Maiya, you are going to put on a smile, and say hello to people in the hallways, in the elevators, make small talk, and be social, suck it up." That probably wasn't verbatim but you get the point. It wasn't that far off I can tell you that. But, that's what I did, and what I still do. I suck it up, I calm my nerves, give myself some words of encouragement, and I raise my hand in class. I walk confidently down the street with my shoulders back and my head held high, I take note of my posture and try to correct it, if I notice my feet dragging while I walk, I pick them up, I say hello to people in the grocery store and make small talk (which I still despise), I ask the cashiers how their days have been, I give out compliments (like if someone's nail polish is cute or shoes or hair dye or something). Basically, I do everything that I wouldn't have normally done 3 years ago. I try my hardest to exude the confidence that I know I possess so that others can see it too.

My heart definitely still pounds so hard sometimes, depending on the situation-- to the point that I think if I can hear it then everyone else can too-- but I still push the old me out of the box I used to be in...everyday. I do this everyday. I am well on my way to becoming a pro at mushfaking. Because face it, if I didn't explain this just now, most of you would never have known. And over the years, most of this has just become a part of my personality, honestly.

I loved Amy Cuddy's TED talk and I realized that some of the things she was saying about how "our nonverbals govern how we think and feel about ourselves," and how "our behavior changes our minds/outcomes," is so true. Those reasons are exactly why I do what I do. Before watching the TED talk, I thought that I just wanted to mushfake, fake it 'til I made it, but now, I want to "fake it 'til I become it."